you wouldnt even understand if i told you.

last night was the first night in a while that I have been in all out distrought. I really dont know what to think. I dont know what to hope for, I only know what I want. I know I cant, but I know I will still try. I have failed many and a countless amount of times, but un like every thing else, for some reason this is the one thing I havent been able to give up. I talked about it, and it made me so sick to my stomach. I havent mentioned it, in a while. I never even realized why for so long, until last night. I just layed there in bed, once again for the first time in a long time, and just cried. At first for one reason, then for another. Its literally like i have pulled my self into this big gaping hole, and know one is here to pull me out. No one. I focus on one thing, and i lose my sanity.